Sunday, 21 October 2012

My Fantasy Football Fantasy

In recent weeks my poor fantasy football team have been struggling. Koscielny isn't playing, Sigurdsson has lost his goal scoring touch that he had at Swansea and Cisse was blazing over penalty kicks

I thought I'd change all that this weekend with a Harry Redknapp 'wheeler dealer' swap of Cisse and Sigurdsson out, Cazorla and Giroud in. Arsenal appear to have some easy games ahead i thought, starting with winless Norwich... how wrong was I.

I also stupidly made Giroud my captain.

Now instead of admitting that I have made a few mistakes with my fantasy team over the season so far, such as ignoring Hazard, I've come to the conclusion that it is the fantasy football system that is broken.

And I plan to fix it.

How will I do this? Easy. More points and more deductions. I don't just mean more points for a goal, but more ways to get points and more ways to get deductions.

Your South American midfielder pulls off a delicious back heel. POINTS. 
Your striker humiliates a defender by nutmugging them. POINTS. 
Your forward bags themselves a perfect hat-trick. POINTS. 
Your player scores an acrobatic overhead kick. POINTS.
Your penalty taker chips it down the middle. POINTS. 
Your player gets goal of the weekend/season. POINTS. 
Your goalscorer removes his shirt in an emotional celebration. Knowing full well they will receive a booking. PASSION POINTS. 
Your player scores in consecutive games. POINTS MULTIPLIED. 
Your goalkeeper scores a goal. 100 POINTS. 


Your player gets nutmegged. DEDUCTIONS. 
Your player 'does an Eboue' i.e. Gets subbed on, then is so bad they get subbed off. DEDUCTIONS.
Your striker misses an open goal. DEDUCTIONS.
Your winger theatrically dives. DEDUCTIONS. 
Your Uruguayan forward makes racist remarks. DEDUCTIONS.
Your left back is involved in a twitter scandal. #BUNCHOFDEDUCTIONS
Your defender has an affair. DEDUCTIONS. 
Your midfielder gets into a fight. DEDUCTIONS. 
Your right back waves an imaginary card. DEDUCTIONS. 


Essentially, I am rewarding points for everything that is good about football, ticks, outrageous goals and unbelievable moments. Whilst deductions are given out for things that are wrong in football, both on field and off field. 

As well as this there will be end of season bonuses. Such as the goal of the season, best mins/goal ration, best pass success rate. But to stop people slapping these players into their teams at the end of the season. It will be worked out by who was in your team for the majority of the season. Very clever. 

Another possibility is to make it a bit like Football Manager, where you are the manager (obviously) and will get e-mails making stories and rumors about your club. These will have no influence on your team/points. Just make it more exciting/remind you that you have a team... 

So now all I need is someone to make this for me, then I can start counting m millions as my fantasy football sweeps the nation. Do you think Dragons' Den would be keen on this?